“You can’t fish a guy in who’s already been sold the ball of wax.”

September 2, 2009 § 3 Comments

I have six years of experience working with entertainment agents, hell, I’m even DATING one! You could say I’m pretty desensitized to their quirks by now, but there will always be the one agent in my life who never ceased to amaze me with his witty, ruthless, and overall strange mannerisms and banter. These are some of the things you could hear him yelling, usually while on the phone, from his office that had four walls, but no ceiling.

04/08/08
“The government are like nazis, nothing beats ‘em.”

05/01/08
“They’re drunk, they’re broke, they’re hammered, and they can’t see.”

05/05/08
“cause I’ll battle til the last battle…. star galactica”

05/07/08
*Word of the day: “Synergy” (used many times while on the phone with someone he was trying to convince to vote for his bands at an awards show)
*Sang every thought he had out loud, from 3:10 – 3:20

05/12/08
“you can’t fish a guy in who’s already been sold the ball of wax”

05/15/08
“The budget is tigher than a duck’s ass. There’s no ROOM back there!!”

05/20/08
“let me get this straight, you fucked a girl who wrote a book about her being abducted by aliens?!” (YELLED THIS)

05/21/08
“I was so bored, I jerked off twice!” (Re: watching a soccer game on TV)

05/22/08
“Fuck me sideways and call me Chuck”

05/25/08
[Alarm going off in office upstairs] “What the fuck… Is that me???”

05/29/08
“You better start licking that frenchman’s ass!”

06/09/08
“I’ve had to squeeze, hump, grind and massage that offer out of them”

06/11/08
“and so my dad called her up and after a few minutes of almost silence he whispers, ‘I’ll kill your dog.’”

06/19/08
“These fucking people have spines like newborn deformed babies”
“it just rained here like jesus cried for 7 days!”

06/26/08
“his brother is such a moron, dude couldn’t road manage a donkey.”

06/30/08
“I’m gonna get all gay and goosejaw you, because it’s pride week.”

07/03/08
“my mom is a retard”

07/14/08
“he will kill you. He will come to your hotel and smother you with a pillow…if you don’t turn your amp down.”

07/15/08 (WOW – he was on fire this day)
“A happy liar is a happy bank account”
“you can go sell your wife on the street to get the money. I don’t give a fuck. Send me 5 grand NOW.”
“Va-GINAAAA” (sung high pitched like AC/DC)
“I’m just playin’ with ya. Playing like a 12-year old plays, for the first time, if you know what I’m sayin…”
“YOU IGNORANT FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!!”
“you are useless as tits on a board”
“YUKON ISN’T CANADA, ITS AMERICA! FUCK!”

07/18/08
“That’s a long drive, but fuck it. That’s what god made buses for.”

08/11/08
“..that’s one problem, and the other was not enough Indians.”

08/20/08
“I just got a guy to borrow $4000 from his mother-in-law and put it into my personal bank account. I should go into the sex trade!”

08/21/08
“…as flat as piss on a plate!”

09/02/08
“he polished that turd. He polished it good.”
“I love Chinese people. They’re so…. SKINNY!”
“they like artsy, they like fartsy, they like anything that doesn’t make money. They like artsy fartsy”.

10/20/08
“The pool is as blue as fuckin’ Paul Newman’s eyes!”
“I don’t need to tell you the grass is green when it’s actually yellow, I don’t need to pee on your leg and tell you it’s rain…”

10/02/08
“you’re going to lose money on that show, i swear to you up and down on children”

11/09/08
“did anyone notice that there’s a coffee stain in the kitchen that looks like a playboy bunny?”

Sometime last Fall, he was moved away from the area I was in and into an office with an actual lid and closing door. The Expressions Log suffered, and what I did hear, while subbing for an assistant who sat next to his office for a few weeks, was a little too vulgar to post on my blog. But you get the idea of the incredulous thoughts this man was capable of blurting out, and the only way I can top this post is if Julia comes through with her idea of doing some illustrations to accompany some of these quotes. Come onnnnn, Julia!

Just writing this entry is enough to make me miss the ol’ times!

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